Colonastics
Joana Tischkau & Elisabeth Hampe

Do you want the sharp rationality of white masculinity as well as the physicality of Black femmes? If you’re looking for a way of combining the two, then Colonastics is just the thing for you!

Colonastics is the first fitness workout in the world that dispenses with the exoticising bullshit of Zumba, the pseudo-spiritual esoteric gimmicks of white yoginis and neocolonial appropriation. How? By being based solely and exclusively on the physical aspects of white cultural practices. Stiffen your joints, throw your limbs around uncontrollably and perfect your air guitar. Feel how white supremacy flows through our collective consciousness and become part of a movement that will revolutionise the world of fitness. 

Push yourself to the limit in White Body Building, conquer the beat with the Berghain Bounce, let yourself be taken away on a deeply relaxing post-racist journey of your dreams to find your inner white man on a sweaty beer bike tour of Frankfurt. Once the scent of sauerkraut juice and Schlager melodies have go to you, you’ll understand how Colonastics courses can change everything! Effective? You bet!

Photo: Lennart Brede